I hate having a conversation with a human being who laughs at everything I say - only to find they're an actress/actor. Having a contagious laugh is one thing but a quality conversation with a new person (specifically of the opposite sex) who seems to hang off every verbal and non-verbal expression can be taxing - if that person is an actor.
Was I really entertaining her? Were we hitting it off, or was she preparing for an audition (in which she's set to play a girl with the worlds most infectious laugh).
Inevitably, the answer is no - I wasn't entertaining her and yes she was preparing for that role which was eventually lost to (insert affable french/spanish or anlgo/asian actress) here. Where does this leave us? Well, she likely found a different, fitting, role and moves on and I'm stuck in the same bar, grocery store, street vendor, coffee shop, restaurant, movie theatre, book store coyly plotting a laugh-getting advance (never truly knowing if they're laughing with or at but not really caring). After all vanity is swell.
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I hate having a conversation with a human being who laughs at nothing I say, especially when I know they're an actor/actress. Are they working on a role I wonder? Maybe he or she is enrolled in Michael Cera's 'How To Keep A Straight Face At All Costs (especially when every other person is laughing)' class. Maybe I do like being laughed at or with - no matter the expense to my dignity just so long as my ego gets some sweet, soft petting.
As confusing as discerning between genuine and manufactured laughter can be it can also hold an invaluable element of pedagogy. If everyone were self-aware and confident with the emotions they share with the world to laugh when happy and frown when sad, social interaction would be a different duck. Conversing with an old friend or confiding in a complete stranger hold complete, distinct differences - though both full of merit. Whether planned or random the conversation sieve (or filter) set to strain the said and unsaid in conversation is littered with eqaul parts dirt and diamond.
It's tough breaking down barriers with old friends. Those 'special' people in our lives who've come to know the traits we've been willing to share with them have no choice but to judge, or piece together with some reason the validity of the companionship. Why is this so? Like it or not the integrity of the filter depends on the audience. This is the way we are programmed to converse. Sure, some use the same dialect with friend, foe and (grand) parent alike but I think it's not a far fetch to say they're the anomaly.
So what inhibits us from clearing the fitler and speaking our mind. Is it lack of alcohol? Perhaps - but what's interesting about living up to expectations?
Something or nothing?
Being friendly or playing a role for nothing other than sake seems more than a tad maniacal...unless you're selling something. Are you selling something? Are you selling something? Are you selling yourself? Are we all selling something of ourselves? Would you be willing to offer a lifetime guarantee with the sale? Does each part of yourself come with a coupon for a portion of your soul?
Dating would be a heckuvalot easier if we cleansed our filters. What the hell are we designing here? An idea of ourselves or the real, lifetime guarantee, thing? I guess it takes a lifetime to figure out who we are and often who we are is only ever a sum of opinions others (unfortunately) conjure.
"Isn't it refreshing to break through the barrier of being the worlds nicest people," a good friend recently offered as she described the play-by-play of a recent relationship seemingly gone awry. Sure as shit it is! Tip toeing through and around who you want to be, who you want them to be, and as mentioned above the 'idea' both have of the other is a tricky, though sometimes entertaining bit. I'll admit, as will most, to being (both knowingly and unknowingly) propelled forward by 'the chase' of another's affection, concentrated eye contact, attention. The same does go for the tip toe act.
"It's exhausting," the same friend mentioned about the back-and-forth niceties, likely manufactured, which seem to spew, uncontrollably from daters mouths. But trappings go deeper. There must be SOME enjoyment, even if it seems exhausting, in playing that game...no? After all it is a game. Some enjoy touching fire to fingertip and puncturing themselves with sharp objects...does this not give validity to the enjoyment of dating-induced exhaustion??
I don't know...if original thinking, not observation, was my forte I might have an answer, or at least a witty, poignant final sentence to offer you solace. Fact is, I think dating, social interaction and everything between has and will always be puzzling as the piecing together of a tampered puzzle.
On this, the day - two days after Baz Luhrmann's (Producer: Moulin Rouge, Romeo & Juliet) 47th birthday and I think it fitting to quote the man, the genius. "Don't worry about the future, or worry but know worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum." On that note, don't try to be someone you're not. Eventually the jig will be up and you'll be stuck with yourself.
Have a nice day.
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